Blog Sabbatical

Sorry I took such a long time off of writing and updating this thing: I was too busy worrying about losing my job, defrauding retired people, plotting a coup of Canada, watching unbiased news, injecting steroids, watching the worst Super Bowl ever, losing thousands of my net worth, riding my bike, sending money to thirsty kids in Africa, getting arrested, being born again, dying, being born yet again, getting married, going sailing, soaking up the sun, thinking about how dumb Iran is, wondering how in the world 'change' was elected, going to Bainbridge Island, dreaming about Texas, writing a ballad, wishing baseball season would start, buying plane tickets, wondering what is so stimulating about Obama's package, getting divorced, realizing that we are in worse shape than we first thought, reading theonion.com, and playing tennis.

I realize none of these are reasonable excuses or even reasons for such a long hiatus, but I apologize nonetheless. There have been a number of excellent subjects to write about the last few weeks and I hope that y'all have been keeping up with the news and current events, because I know I have!

G's up, Hoes down

Who Took the Funny Out?

At what point did we as a society make a collective decision to start taking ourselves so damn seriously? When did rights of funny people become the toilet paper that wipes the ass of people without a sense of humor?

Bottom line, we live in a fucked up world.

Take a look around, we live in a place where deadbeats, addicts, religious extremists, political extremists, racists, sexists, bigots, unlicensed taxi drivers, homophobic evangelicals, douchebags, hypocrites, and assholes are the majority ruling class.

Ignorance has become our greatest commodity.

Over-inflated self worth is now a major personality trait.

CNN shows 15 minutes about Britney Spears and what President Obama is wearing before it reports on the carnage in the Middle East.

More people still tune in for American Idol than show up on the 1st Tuesday after the 1st Monday in November. (If you don't know what that date is, you are part of the proplem)

Everyone needs to relax and tell a joke or a funny story. Laughter is still the best medicine for curing people with a chronic stick up their ass.

That's right... I am posting another gem at Midnight

My how things have changed.

I once held the attention of 200+ Arizona State students, parents, and faculty while delivering an insightful and interesting speach about the positive long term effects the greek system has upon university fund raising, athletic boostering, and academic support.

Now I lose arguements with my 20-month old daughter because she says so.

I once closed bars down until 1 am, only to go out to an after hours party and/or casino until 6 am and then make it early to my 8 am class with my homework.

Now I have MBA homework or a meeting I need to prepare for until 11 pm when I cannot stay awake any longer.

I used to have the most supremely awesome collection of DVD movies in the modern world.

No I have a catalogue of Sesame Street and Thomas the Tank Engine DVD's that hoard all the playing time.

I used to listen to thought provoking music about why the government is oppressing my generation through the capitalistic gang bangs brought on by "Big" government, "Big" oil, "Big" globalization, and "Big" Walmart.

Ok, I still listen to that music, and it only sounds better and more relevant.

I was told once by a very close friend that college would be the best times of our lives. When he first told me that, I gave it little thought but held on to his mantra until now. My only response, I would not trade a second of my life today for a year of my past rockstar like lifestyle. Yes, I had fun, but not like the fun I had this evening making my daughter laugh.

I have it too good now to pass up.

3 Reasons Why the Houston Astros are Unlikely to Contend...

Bottom line, Houston is the 4th largest city in the US, but the Astros have the 14 highest payroll in MLB. I am certainly not saying we need to spend Yankee, Mets, or Red Sox money, but make the absolute most of the $100-120 million you are looking to spend.

1.Do you know the game "Good Idea/Bad Idea"?
Using 15 million a year on Mike Hampton - BAD IDEA. I loved Mike Hampton....... In 1999. What has he done over the last decade to warrant being paid the highest salary in the clubhouse? Mike, please talk to whatever personal trainer/clubhouse attendant/BALCO employee, and get yourself a 9-month supply of the good stuff. The cream, the clear, whatever. You are going to need a dump truck of flax seed oil to earn 15 million this season.

2. Offensively the potential is there. Berkman and Lee are in the twilight of their prime, Pence is the future of the franchise, Matsui and Bourn are baseball players and will come around. What the Astros need is just one solid free agent bat. The type of signing that immediately establishes a buzz for Astro baseball outside of the 610 freeway. But is cannot be Mike Hampton.

3. Help out your no. 1 starter. Oswalt has the potential to be a league wide top 5 pitcher. But we will never see that type of production as long as the rest of the Astro rotation plummets in quality after Roy. As a rule of thumb, try to compare the Astro #2-4 starters to other clubs, where would they pitch? The answer, #5 or AAA. What is the one glaring deficiency from our recent playoff teams? Great pitching #1-3 and good pitching #4-5. It was not a coincidence, talk to the Braves… before Mike Hampton got there.

This is a great team, with ownership that seems to love the team about half as much as the fans of Houston do. No matter what, I will still watch and root for my Astros, even if Mike Hampton is there.

Cuba anyone?

With the failed health, and perhaps even death, of former Cuban leader Fidel Castro apparent, I think it is just a matter of time before the United States will allow trade, and perhaps even travel between the United States and our nearby neighbor, Cuba. President elect Obama has mentioned that he is not completely opposed to relieving the trade embargo with Cuba. All it took was for a smoker to become President to relax the strict regulations! The embargo is severely outdated and in need of scrapping. The fact that Cuba is communist is a terrible reason not to trade with them; China and Vietnam were both a lot stricter Communist countries yet the United States still traded with them. Why not Cuba? Kennedy's damaged personal image after the Bay of Pigs fiasco? BS. That is a selfish reason to deprive a blossoming nation the millions of tourist dollars that would have been spent on the island. With that added revenue, the people of Cuba would not have been sent back decades by Hurricanes like Ike, but instead rebounded back and provided assistance for other fledgling countries in the area. Haiti anyone? It truly bothers me that an idiot like Hugo Chavez was the first leader in the Americas to reach out to the people of Cuba with much needed assistance in the time of dire need. It's bad enough that he relates President Bush to the devil; anyone remember the "still smells like sulphur" comment? Truly disrespectful and shameful.

I would like to apologize for the unedited version of this post: the holidays slowed us down. Next up:

"Who wants to the an Illinois Senator"
"Whose bailout is it anyway?"
and my personal favorite, "Everybody loves Hamas"

I look forward to 2009 and all that it has to offer. Good night everyone.